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Dating in Haven is hard

This Tuesday, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and came across a post being shared by friends about a terrible Connecticut city for dating.


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I remember the day after, when my flatmate asked me how it went. I beamed at her over my cup of tea. I met that man about 10 years ago.

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Years old: 30
Ethnic: Cambodian
Sexual identity: Guy
Tone of my iris: I’ve got lustrous blue eyes
What is my gender: My sex is lady
What is my Zodiac sign: Leo
My hobbies: Doing puzzles

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Question: The last time I had sex was in One of the comments I used to hear was that I was trying too hard and scaring women away, so I stopped trying. Since inviting you to send us your questions around sex and relationships, we've seen themes around libido, lust, casual sex and sexual dysfunction. But when someone writes to tell us they haven't had sex since because they're "trying too hard", we really wanted to help.

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That's why we're glad we can share responses from our resident sexologist Tanya Koens in this way — to help anyone who may also be struggling with something that's hard to talk about IRL. Answer: Thank you for writing in and telling us about your situation. That's a long time to go without sex or connection when it has been something you desire. I often see people who haven't had sex for long periods of time, and those reasons are many and varied. When it comes to trying too hard or being too keen, I see this a lot and it's grounded in anxiety and a desire to 'do well' or 'get it right'.

The intent is good but the impact may not be, and it affects people's romantic lives. For many folks they try really hard hoping they may be able to 'earn' what it is they are seeking — a second date, sex, a commitment. Other people do it to seek assurance — they hope if they try hard enough the other person will like them, not dump them, or progress the relationship.

Often it is a way of 'doing something' when they feel powerless.

Is it true?

It's hard to be prescriptive in my recommendations here without knowing exactly what you were doing, but I will try to cover things broadly as I feel a great many people encounter the same difficulties. Many folks are too afraid to have that direct conversation so they set up some criteria or expectations in the hope they will be indicators that things are proceeding in the right direction. If they felt the relationship was worth pursuing, a whole bunch of expectations suddenly appeared and meaning was given to them.

They decided the person they were dating needed to be available to see them twice a week, and if they weren't available that often then the relationship was not being treated seriously.

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Often this was not communicated — instead the other person experienced it as a pressure to catch up. Many of the folks this person dated felt corralled and 'hurried' and, as a result, couldn't commit.

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Perhaps if they had been able to talk about their hopes in terms of frequency of connection, the other parties would have been able to negotiate what would have worked for them — while at the same time providing assurance of their interest. I often see the difference in people who like things to happen organically versus those that live a very scheduled life. When you think about it, that's not the best motivation to stay in relationship with someone, is it?

You both need to want to be there. It's much better to think about the things you are hoping to get out of being in relationship and keep checking in with yourself. I think it's more important to back yourself and know you are strong enough to handle any hurt that may come your way.

Being 'too keen' is impacting my dating life. how can i chill out?

Strengthen your heart and you will be able to navigate feelings of vulnerability and loss in many situations. Have a read about practising heartbreak here. Let them know what you are hoping for and be curious as to what it is they are looking for.

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If you want a friends-with-benefits arrangement — think about what that may look like and how flexible you can be. What is your ultimate hope for a situation like that, and how can you work with another person's expectations that may be less or different than yours? Put yourself in their shoes — what would it be like to be busy with your life and have a new person wanting to insert themselves into your schedule, time and space?

Get our newsletter for the best of ABC Everyday each week. I hear so many stories about sex that didn't go well because one party was so intent on pleasing the other that they failed to check in and see what actually works.

And worse, if they are given feedback on what might feel nice, they take it as criticism and shut down. When you take a new lover, slow down and take time to both explore and enjoy. Be curious about what they may enjoy. So many people are afraid of talking about sex or asking for what they want, but without doing so it can result in awkward situations that don't work for anyone. Did you know that anxiety will make people with penises come faster and those with vulvas will take longer?

Ask them things like: "Would you like it if I kissed dating in Haven is hard Be gracious if your lover says no to something; often the things we think will please someone could make them feel vulnerable or embarrassed — that's their stuff, not yours. You have a better chance of giving your partner pleasure if you get them involved in the process rather than assuming you know what they want or like. The other thing to remember is some days we may enjoy one thing and other days that may not be the thing we are up for.

Nothing is static or given.

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When you start out by talking and asking what your lover is up for, what they enjoy and what is off the table, it sets up a great standard for future encounters. ABC Everyday helps you navigate life's challenges and choices so you can stay on top of the things that matter to you. We acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the First Australians and Traditional Custodians of the lands where we live, learn and work. ABC Everyday.

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Print content Print with images and other media. Print text only. Print Cancel. I'm wondering what "trying too hard" looked like and what was going on for you? It can also be a way to make their feelings a little easier to manage. First let's look at dating expectations and then being 'too keen' in the bedroom.

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Acknowledging your dating 'expectations' When you meet someone and realise you really like them, it can be an intensely vulnerable time. You may know how you feel about them, but you don't know how they feel about you.

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address. How to own your single status at the start of the year. Online dating: Should single parents disclose the existence of their kids? Is it really possible to be 'friends with benefits' without catching feelings? I don't ever feel like sex, think about it, or even get turned on ever. Do you follow hot people on Instagram? You could be 'micro-cheating'.

Let’s say it’s true

Being brave in the bedroom: How to ask for what you want. Why affairs don't always mean the end for relationships. Ghosting, kittenfishing and orbiting: A glossary of modern dating terminology. Did you enjoy sex the last time you had it? One in five Aussie women didn't. What to do when things get routine in the bedroom. Why your relationship really begins when the honeymoon phase is over.

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Always arguing about cleaning? Here's what you can do about it. Duration: 1 minute 30 seconds 1 m 30 s. What to do when antidepressants kill your sex drive.

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Lust is easy, love isn't. If you want both in a long-term relationships then you need to work at it. My partner lost his erection and now he's avoiding sex. What should I do? Dating, Relationships, Sexual Activity. Back to top.

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